Lusty Love

There is a weekly column in Times of India which deals with life of a single women. Its one of the series which has more sleaze than content. I usually avoid reading that column, but the other day the heading caught my eye. It was about lust vs love. It has been years since I did the body or soul series over here at pure pursuits, this topic immediately made me go back in time. The theory which caught my eye was about lust being more pure than love.

Really is lust more pure than love?.
Before you jump to conclusion think a bit, I am sure your thoughts will surprise you.

I have to agree that lust cannot be faked. One can easily fake love, but not lust. I know there are people who can fake passion and enjoyment, but can one really fake desire?. I think one of the main reasons being, people fake things to please others, or to give what the others want. Lust, or even desire, having been considered a taboo for a long time, people really don’t consider this is what others want. May be the situation is a different in modern india, still the numbers must be alarmingly low.

Lust does not lead to anything hidden. Love can have a lot of hidden agendas, people use love to achieve power, money a whole lot of things, I guess lust does not really lead to anything but human emotions. It could be happiness, jealousy, satisfaction, pleasure. Aren’t these what makes life worth living?

I have to admit though, Lust is a momentary high, unlike love which can lead to a long term satisfaction. Love can take a while to blossom, where as lust is very quick to bloom. May be being momentary makes it even more enjoyable, and more pure, because one does not expect it to last long, so it does not come with the added baggage of trying to make it last long. One does not have to worry about how you can make sure it lasts forever, because everyone is aware that it doesn’t.

 

Every-body

Is wondering, if everybody are the same, if every body is the same.

Guilt

Why is it every single thing, even remotely sexual, brings me guilt. Its not a healthy trend, in fact not at all a healthy trend.

When its no longer just a statistic

A statistic becomes more than a number, when you realize people around you, who are just like you are a part of that statistics, have stories to tell you how right or wrong the statistic is. The idea of a statistic being a mere number becomes no longer true.

A blogger friend pointed out to me a statistic, 79% of women face sexual harassment at work. I did not think this as a big deal, because I felt we are in a safe cocoon. Indian corporate world, for that matter the global corporate world does not really face this problem so much, is what I thought. I thought these type of things are more at places where there are more uneducated people, definitely not at a place where most of the people have bachelors, masters or even doctorate degrees. Sometimes you just got to be woken up, in this case I needed it, and the blogger friend did it.

The first thought which came to my mind with sexual harassment, is that the level of harassment. How can one define the level of sexual harassment?, is inappropriate touch lesser harmful, than say an indecent proposal?, or asking for a sexual favor more damaging than subjecting a co worker to verbal discomfort?. I would jump and conclude yes and yes, but I guess its not just a simple thing. Firstly I am not qualified to comment about the emotional damage caused by any of these, and I believe this is one area where sexes play a vast difference, what I consider painful might be not so hurtful to a woman, and something which I consider trivial might be a big deal for a woman. Again, its not something, which is common among all women, its very individual.

There is an old saying in kannada, “hennu sahanaya swaroopa” [A woman is personification of tolerance”]. Even though I would disagree with this wholeheartedly, for making it a sexist comment, women in my life tend to prove this right most of the time. So when it comes to sexual harassment, I would really like to see a statistic of percentage of women who end up tolerating this, I am sure it would be an interesting statistic. I am not talking about % of women who do not think it as a big deal, that again I think is a interesting statistic, I am sure the numbers might surprise many of us. I am talking about women who are subjected to sexual harassment, and they tend to just tolerate this assuming they are supposed to do so, or too shy to report this, or plain fear of social implications or fear of job loss. If you thought in this new age corporate world this number will be low, I bet we would be surprised.

Being in the corporate world, I had to take a training about sexual harassment. I have to admit some of the section were really surprising to me, I never knew they could be considered as a sexual harassment. There were some obvious ones like touching a co worker, or even trying to get them to meet you outside work, but there were subtle ones like a forwarded email which could offend the co-worker,  or a joke made light heartedly which could offend them. For the moment lets just ignore these subtle things which could still get me fired, lets talk about the physical abuses. Like trying to take advantage of a co worker, by touching in appropriately or trying to do ..you know what. Anyways I really thought these things never happened in corporate world. I think I was wrong.

Lets come to the “liberated” thinking people, who dont think its wrong to involve in such practices, both men and women, do you think we have such people in corporate world?, women/men who don’t think there is anything wrong to use themselves to move up the ladder?. Isn’t this the most cliched topic of all times, being abused in movies from ages?. But still I would really like to know the real picture w.r.t this, anybody?..have you heard/known/done things to move up the ladder?, if not have you contemplated it?.

Last but not the least, the minority of sexually harassed men at work. To be honest I have never experienced this on myself, nor think it really happens. However, I felt the same about women, until I was woken up. Now that we are striving for gender equality in everything, may be we do have the problem. How about this folks?, do you think statistics on this regard would surprise us?.

A theory sucks, when proven

I had this quote up on my blog for a long time now

“It is ok for people to do mistakes and disappoint me. But What If you wake up some day and realize you are that disappointment”

It sucks that I proved it.

I am feeling insecure, so what next?

This week has been a turmoil of insecurities in my head, this post is just a set of thoughts that emerged after I tried to reason out my insecurities and how I should deal with it.

One thing about relationships, you don’t get to experience, being an outsider, is the insecurities involved. I am not sure if it is something which is felt to some extent by everyone, or its just a few who get a doze of them as they get a feel of what a real relationship could be like. Forget about the real relationship, even a budding one can throw in a bunch of insecurities.

If someone were to think straight and objective, and put a third person in place of themselves, and have a logical view at these insecurities, I guess they would be laughing how stupid one can be. I guess I have always been that third person, who looks at people’s insecurities and think, why are they so much worried about such small thinks. I am beginning to see why they do.

Being insecure and needy, has always been frowned upon in a relationship, just the other day I was watching an episode of That 70’s show, where the Fez is taught not to be needy with his girlfriend, and that sparked a thought immediately about all my relationships and how needy I have been in them. Its not just the wife or the girlfriend I am talking about, may be its a friendship, may be its with your parents, with your cousins, with your colleagues, any relationship for that matter. I have always been needy, and more the expectations, more the disappointment. Going with the 70’s analogy, I have never been the cool Steven Hyde in any of my relations, I don’t think I would ever be.

Coming back to insecurities, is it the lack of confidence, which shows up as insecurities?. I guess it does look like the most obvious explanation. When there is a lack of self confidence, or the confidence on the other person involved in the relationship, obviously it would end up in insecurities. But its not as simple as that, confidence is not something which can build up over night, that would be blind trust which can turn out to be a hoax at many times. So as we build confidence and trust over time, there are bound to be insecurities, I guess it depends how we begin to cope with it and in turn build the confidence.  Guys, it would be wonderful to learn some tips on this regard, how did you build the confidence in the self and the  trust in your partner.

Does the importance you attach to the person or the relationship add to the level of insecurities?, do you tend to feel insecure with people or relations you care the  most?. I think this too is a very obvious thought, I think most of us feel most insecure with people who matter the most. There is no way we can change how much people matter to us, so how do we deal with heightened insecurities in such cases?. I guess talking openly about them helps, where we tend to share our insecurities with that person, I am sure if the person cares about you, he or she will try to discuss out your fears and try to reason you out, giving you some sense of security. This is extremely tricky because, it constantly puts the worry that the other person might mistake you to be this insecure snob and spoil your image. I guess this is a risk worth taking, or rather its something I would take.

I guess biggest source of insecurity is another insecurity, thats the fear of losing what we have. Fear of losing has morphed into so many worries to the humans, I cant even begin discussing it. How would one really get rid of it?. any ideas?. According to me, there is no way one can rid of it, we all have to deal with this fear in one form or the other through out our life. I personally am negative in approach, I always start with the assumption I am going to lose it. My idea of it, is that way It wouldn’t disappoint much when I actually lose it. Believe me, it does NOT work, the optimist in me is hidden at every step letting me know its just the wall you are building, surely you are not going to lose it. Have you ever felt both the side of the voices in your own head, you are trying to tell yourself you are going to fail, at the same time you know that you want to win, this is just a fake shield you have put against yourself.

I guess I more or less sure I am not the first person to feel this, and wont be the last either, I think the other person involved also has some of sort of his or her own insecurities, but then thats the problem with real life dilemmmas, when its you who is struck in that, you can really be all logical and all objective.

Strong and scary

I heard a strong successful and independent lady ask a man, “are you scared of me!”, and instantly the man in me, wanted to yell, no not scared, attraction would be the right word.

I have read a lot from and about women, who fight for females rights, [I do not want to use the cliché feminist here], they always seem to be of the opinion that men fear the growth of woman. Woman going places where they were never before, proving themselves in almost every conceivable field, proving anything men can do, they can do better, these kind of things to be intimidating to men, giving men a sense of loss of monopoly, power, and that is what make men afraid. Fear brings in anger, and anger in turn violence.

If I am honest, I would say ego is a very personal subject, and may not have much to do with gender. Male ego as such goes through a lot of battering over age, be it the local bully in the school, the goon at college, the evil powerful corporate world. Many people don’t realize how slowly their ego is getting battered, and from being a strong rebel, men seem to settle into a more of a social survivor who dream of scraping through the life without having to take too many troubles.

Work pressures are at all time high with the recession affecting each one of us, does feminism help the escapist men?, who really do not mind to take some help from their spouses. If a woman wants to be the hero, fight world hard, make money, feed the family, and be happy at the end of the day that by doing so they have been better then their male counterparts, isn’t it the best thing that a man would ever want?. In a way he has more freedom and independence to pursue what he wants to do, without having to worry about feeding his family, and taking care of his wife.

I think I lost the way with this post, this was supposed to be about men being attracted strong and powerful women, and It kind of went in a different direction.

Attraction to strong women isn’t a new concept. I am sure there have been hundred’s of men who are attracted to women who are strong. Women with minds which can challenge spiritually and can fight for their beliefs and opinions about matters which can be really stimulating to both the partners. When I hear about nagging between couples, I always have a feeling its lack of topics to argue about which results in nagging, If couple spend more time discussing topics which can be really thought provoking, the mind is too busy to even bother about small things. Would you rather discus and argue about say physical intimacy then some wet towel, or a lost sock.

I remember a blogger friend teasing about my liking for women who are more modern in approach, who does not think twice before picking up a drink, or even for that matter choose career equally or more than their family life. I have a feeling that they would be in a position to understand my stand on my career a lot better.

There has been an old saying that two swords cannot fit a sleeve. Would two strong career minded people make a successful couple?, A part of practicality makes me say no, it would be a disaster. But another part of me says, why not. Let us not get into the part, where we discuss kids, I mean with two busy people, no time for kids and other things like that. But as a couple would they be successful, will it result into a lot of clashes, and an eventual disaster. I believe as long as there is a mutual understanding and a respect for equality, within a relationship, the compromises should become mutual.

How to avoid competition in such a situation is a whole new topic, may be I would love to hear from people who are more experienced than I am, to talk about that.

As far as attraction goes, as of now, looks like my taste hasn’t changed much, I still seem to like strong women, capable of discussing any topic with me, and being able to argue till we drop tired.

Its only questions…

Have you ever, out of blue, yearned for human touch? romantic, sexual or just humane?

Have you followed it with guilt, rather shock and suprise as to what could be the origin of that yearning?.

Have you felt bad when it goes away without being satsisfied?.

Insider’s view – A romance killed.

 

She calls herself  “Rustyneurons”, anybody who can come up with such a name has to be incredibly talented right?, that was my instant feeling when I read the name who commented on Piya’s blog. Her blogs did prove my intution right, she has an amazing nack of saying things in a way, which only she can. When I first went across to her blog “Chimerical Flyovers”, first thing that stuck me  was the URL, for the first time I see a kannada URL, how cool is that I thought, and then I discoverd her other blog “Two a Day“, and found the real writer in her. She might have stopped active blogging [If there is something like that], but then guys just check her archives out there, just too good.

So being a fellow kannadathi, I have had a real good time discussing out my posts with her, and you know the best part, she is the one who would look at my post  like “un-naked”, and tell me honestly that there was no relation between the first and the last stanza, or for that matter, shower thing was totally not required. Honest opinions are really great right?

So here she goes, on my request providing us her thoughts on the subject I posted few days back, an insider’s view on marriage and romance.

Thanks Rusty for doing this for me.

Without much delay here she goes.

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“I fell in love with my dear husband and we got married after three years of courtship/hardship. To say that we still feel the same way we did before marriage would not be so easy or honest, at least in my opinion. 

Life changes. In imperceptible ways and dramatic sweeps. 

Then, going out to restaurants and experimenting with food was a routine, now I am thrilled that he makes time to cook some wonderful food at home. Then, we loved long drives, now we enjoy coffee in the balcony. I have realized that our interests have metamorphosized themselves so as to accommodate the other and thankfully, it has been a natural process. We still have the same level of enthusiasm to please each other, appreciate the other’s point of view and enjoy the times together. But now, it is more to do with the comfort one gets from the other’s presence than it is about making the other feel good. That, in no way means the romance is over. It depends upon how one looks at the definition of romance – from the simple chocolate boxes, flowers, browsing through bookshops to expensive gifts, or travelling to exotic destination… it could be anything. To most reasonable folks (that very much includes me) it would mean showing the same level of affection, appreciation and patience one shows towards the other after marriage as well. 

However, life is not a fairytale – we cannot and do not have to project our best selves all the time. No matter how long you have known a person, living with that person day in and day out is a completely different experience altogether. The cooking fights spring up from nowhere and the bathroom rights get altered for life. Those tiny little idiosyncrasies that once you found endearing might not be so much fun after all, now that you have to put up with them all the time! The responsibilities bloom from all corners taking myriad forms – socially the family gets expanded, one is expected to adjust and embrace new relationships with strangers who mean a lot to his/her partner. Financially one has to think much beyond the monthly spending that usually soared sky high, where one didn’t have to give explanations to the other, where one wonders if one landed up with a penny pincher or a spendthrift. 

Despite so many uncertainties, there are few constants that make it worthwhile – I know I can lift his spirits up with a good cup of filter coffee at the end of a tiring day, and he knows for sure his dancing skills can clear up my blues.  I believe it’s the small little gestures that remind us how much we mean to each other. An occasional surprise like getting the DVDs I was looking for, or welcoming me at the door when I reach home with some heavenly food has always made difference to our otherwise routine of go to work-come home-cook-eat-sleep-go to work the next day.

Over these eighteen months what I have come to cherish the most is the unwavering support I received, be it a bad day in work place, frustrations adjusting to a new place, or missing my comfort zone back home. I believe (and have enough proof to do so) that romance does not necessarily go stale after marriage; it just comes in different flavours. ”

For someone who has been married just about for one and a half years, it indeed is a difficult task to provide a very balanced view about romance post married life. However, coloured or not, I believe my opinions still matter to the whole wide world so there you are, at the receiving end. 

A romance killed.

One of these days Times of India had a movie review which roughly talked about how marriage acts as an end to the romance, or something like that. Me being never married, and to be honest never being in love, kind of disturbed me a little. There is nothing wrong in hoping for a little bit of romance at least post marriage, isn’t it?. Anyways jokes aside, this is one of those bits of news which you just read and then sometime later when you are at peace kind of haunts you, one which makes you dig deep into your thoughts searching for your own opinion on that matter. So here I am thinking about the subject, trying to see what I have to say about this.

Its kind of stupid to prognosticate something which you have clearly not experienced, but then many parts of our life is based on perception, so thought why not try digging thoughts a little. 

I feel romance has a lot to do with attraction, buy attraction I do not just mean physical attraction. It could be anything, mind, body, aroma, smile, dress sense, any thing you could think about a person, you could be attracted because of that characteristic. Anyways so once you are married, does this attraction dwindle?.  To be honest I do not rule out, any attraction, however strong it is might dampen a little over time, if not marriage. One possibility I think of, is that the thing we are attracted to might get substituted over years of marriage. Say I was attracted to the dressing sense of a woman, may be after marriage, I might get attracted to the way she is so organized about things, or may be the way she handles life, or her way with children for that matter, I think attraction can be really volatile, and easily extend to many things.  I would really love to hear from couples who are married for long now, if they are still attracted to each other.

I think another big factor in romance is curiosity, you know you take a young teenager with a lot of sexual curiosity to a nudie bar, he might be many more times impressed than a middle aged guy who has seen the thing many a times. Does this hold good to romance as well?.  May be we do begin with a lot of curiosity about love and relationship, and once you marry after an year or two, you would have seen and lived the romance part of it. So does that mean the romance gets old?. It does look possible a great deal. But one good thing to look forward would be the way the romance comes out in situations, life is so unpredictable, that it has surprised up its sleeve every corner of it, so may be there is a tinge of curiousness as to how our romance builds up in these unforeseen circumstances, as we cope together as a couple.

A big factor which can be a big turn off with respect to romance, is family life and responsibilities. I mean we all know the ups and downs of life, the money to be made, bread to be earned, the shelter, the future, retirement plans, kids education, so many things to worry about. So does the worries [responsibilities ;)] which comes in along with the marriage, do they affect the romance?. I think they would, I am sure they would. Its not just romance they affect they basically almost every single thing of our life. But the thing is that, they may not kill the romance. Or may be it depends on us, if we can let it kill the romance. I can see old people, after becoming grand parents, taking a flower back to their wives, its definitely a form of expressing the romance. Even the gratitude that one develops towards one another over years of marriage acts as a catalyst in their romance.

so what do you think?…does marriage kill the romance?

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