She calls herself ”Rustyneurons”, anybody who can come up with such a name has to be incredibly talented right?, that was my instant feeling when I read the name who commented on Piya’s blog. Her blogs did prove my intution right, she has an amazing nack of saying things in a way, which only she can. When I first went across to her blog “Chimerical Flyovers”, first thing that stuck me was the URL, for the first time I see a kannada URL, how cool is that I thought, and then I discoverd her other blog “Two a Day“, and found the real writer in her. She might have stopped active blogging [If there is something like that], but then guys just check her archives out there, just too good.
So being a fellow kannadathi, I have had a real good time discussing out my posts with her, and you know the best part, she is the one who would look at my post like “un-naked”, and tell me honestly that there was no relation between the first and the last stanza, or for that matter, shower thing was totally not required. Honest opinions are really great right?
So here she goes, on my request providing us her thoughts on the subject I posted few days back, an insider’s view on marriage and romance.
Thanks Rusty for doing this for me.
Without much delay here she goes.
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“I fell in love with my dear husband and we got married after three years of courtship/hardship. To say that we still feel the same way we did before marriage would not be so easy or honest, at least in my opinion.
Life changes. In imperceptible ways and dramatic sweeps.
Then, going out to restaurants and experimenting with food was a routine, now I am thrilled that he makes time to cook some wonderful food at home. Then, we loved long drives, now we enjoy coffee in the balcony. I have realized that our interests have metamorphosized themselves so as to accommodate the other and thankfully, it has been a natural process. We still have the same level of enthusiasm to please each other, appreciate the other’s point of view and enjoy the times together. But now, it is more to do with the comfort one gets from the other’s presence than it is about making the other feel good. That, in no way means the romance is over. It depends upon how one looks at the definition of romance – from the simple chocolate boxes, flowers, browsing through bookshops to expensive gifts, or travelling to exotic destination… it could be anything. To most reasonable folks (that very much includes me) it would mean showing the same level of affection, appreciation and patience one shows towards the other after marriage as well.
However, life is not a fairytale – we cannot and do not have to project our best selves all the time. No matter how long you have known a person, living with that person day in and day out is a completely different experience altogether. The cooking fights spring up from nowhere and the bathroom rights get altered for life. Those tiny little idiosyncrasies that once you found endearing might not be so much fun after all, now that you have to put up with them all the time! The responsibilities bloom from all corners taking myriad forms – socially the family gets expanded, one is expected to adjust and embrace new relationships with strangers who mean a lot to his/her partner. Financially one has to think much beyond the monthly spending that usually soared sky high, where one didn’t have to give explanations to the other, where one wonders if one landed up with a penny pincher or a spendthrift.
Despite so many uncertainties, there are few constants that make it worthwhile – I know I can lift his spirits up with a good cup of filter coffee at the end of a tiring day, and he knows for sure his dancing skills can clear up my blues. I believe it’s the small little gestures that remind us how much we mean to each other. An occasional surprise like getting the DVDs I was looking for, or welcoming me at the door when I reach home with some heavenly food has always made difference to our otherwise routine of go to work-come home-cook-eat-sleep-go to work the next day.
Over these eighteen months what I have come to cherish the most is the unwavering support I received, be it a bad day in work place, frustrations adjusting to a new place, or missing my comfort zone back home. I believe (and have enough proof to do so) that romance does not necessarily go stale after marriage; it just comes in different flavours. “
For someone who has been married just about for one and a half years, it indeed is a difficult task to provide a very balanced view about romance post married life. However, coloured or not, I believe my opinions still matter to the whole wide world so there you are, at the receiving end.
Accidents « Virtual Ramblings Said:
on December 20, 2008 at 1:41 pm
[...] Guys look whose there on my blog pure pursuits..checkout the insider’s view. [...]
Lea Said:
on December 20, 2008 at 10:57 pm
Well said… I believe that marriage is the ultimate spiritual practice. Along with the good, and the bad, comes all the nooks and corners of your being that you never even knew existed… Until you live day in and day out with someone else in a committed relationship, it is too easy to run when you touch in to those “I don’t want to know this about myself” places. When both partners hold the other dear, even when the going gets rough, that is when you discover and deepen the relationship, and find the opportunity to know yourself in ways you never before imagined… I love what you say Rusty about the support. I am so glad you have this!
Winnie the poohi Said:
on December 21, 2008 at 10:47 am
having not married yet I reserve my judgment.. but still it made me feel good
umm my parents were not the best examples of successful marriage but there is still a lot to learn from them about it
RustyNeurons Said:
on December 22, 2008 at 7:46 am
Lea – You hit the bull’s eye when you speak about those ‘touchy’ areas, and I am sure every couple in this world goes through a similar cycle sometime or the other. Yup, I am quite thankful about the wonderful support that I get
Winnie the poohi – It makes me feel good that you found it optimistic and I hope you have the best of the times when you get into this wonderful relationship. Parents – one can never learn enough from them
priyaiyer Said:
on December 22, 2008 at 12:48 pm
thanks, rusty! this piece comes as a ray of hope to me at a moment when i m about to enter a brand new phase of my life, filled with a whole gamut of emotions. this comes as a fresh breath of air after all the ‘passion will soon fly out of the window and romance will soon be dead’ advice that i have been getting for the last few months…
RustyNeurons Said:
on December 23, 2008 at 9:20 am
Iyer, I am glad this helped you in some small way – and yes girl, ultimately it all depends on us to make things work and when I say us, it means both the partners. Dont you worry, things will flow smoothly for you
Genuine Gem Said:
on December 23, 2008 at 4:15 pm
I’ve been married for 16 years. It isn’t pretty. Its hard, we fight, have hardships, we’ve been so broke we ate nothing but soup for awhile, we’ve dealt with health issues and problems that people don’t have in a life time, and I wouldn’t trade that in for nothing!
If it was all a fairytale, then the good stuff would be taken for granted. Without the fall, there is no rise. I love that you said its not a fairy tale, cuz it isn’t. Hubby and I were just talking to another couple yesterday about marriage and we were amazed that as a married couple, we were considered a minority. Divorce is on the rise over here and stress is turning people away from others instead of drawing support from others. Yes, we have romance. It comes in the form of a good movie and sharing a bowl of popcorn, shoveling the snow out of the driveway together with an occasional snowball being tossed, working out in the garden and taking a moment to share a flower. Its the marriages that hit a hard time and turn on each other that don’t make it. We are completely open and honest with each other. We tell it like it is whether the other wants to hear it or not because we are one. We share everything. There is no holds barred. Nothing held back. We take the lows because without them, the highs wouldn’t mean so much. We love each other so much because of the hardships, the trials, the impossible odds…we beat it all and will continue to do so. We’re too stubborn not too fight…lol
I like what Rusty wrote here.
The money part is so true. People fight over that more than anything. I love what you wrote about that too
Rusty has a good head on her shoulders!
You go girl!
RustyNeurons Said:
on December 24, 2008 at 11:01 am
Wow! thoughts coming from Genuine Gem truly represent the whole idea of romance (and occassionally lack of it) in a marriage.
Thank you Gem!
SS Said:
on February 26, 2009 at 8:57 am
I guess marriage is like life. Different for each one. I’ve been married for 6 yrs and all I can say is that if there is love, everything else falls in place.
Sometimes I wonder why this relationship is discussed so much. Its like any other relationship. Like a relationship that you have with your kids. Is it ever bad? – No! Being a parent is the most challenging task but still every parent loves it. You make sacrifices even without realising it (like giving up going to your party to take your kid to her friend’s b’day party) and so on.. And you feel happy about doing it because your kids happy face makes you happy (than going to your party and making her sad)
Its the same with your spouse. You do things for each other because seeing the other person happy make you happy as well. And hence everything falls in place. Its pretty simple actually