It has been a long time, about two months, I am not sure if anyone even reads this blog any more. One thing I know for sure, is that this was not a un-intentional absence, I just had some questions about the contents of this blog. One question I always had in my mind was, how come most of my posts here were hinting towards physical act of love, or physical intimacy, or anything which got to do with sex. It kind of irked me that someday I would have to answer someone if they asked why did I write mainly on that topic here. I wanted to define an alternate scope for the blog, or may be deliberately try to come up with another topic to ponder over. That coupled with other issues I was going through with meant that there was no pure pursuits for my mind for this long.
Last week I was reading “Unaccustomed Earth” a collection of short stories from Jumpa Lahiri. In one of the stories she describes the scene of love making, no guys not for the perverts, its not graphical by any means, and its just a couple of sentences, I finished reading it and immediately looked around to see if someone saw me reading it, was someone reading about my shoulder. It was so impulsive and reflexive. I’am not a 13 year old anymore, I am fast approaching end of third decade in my life, and still a feeling of guilt has never got passed me. This suddenly sparked a thought in me, I wanted to reach out to all unmarried guys and gals out there, or may be even married ones, do we think there is a sense of guilt associated with sex around?.
May be that’s guilt which was preventing me from writing anymore on pure pursuits,
who instills this guilt in us,
Is it really justified?,
or are we acting foolish here?.
Firstly am I the only one who feels this guilt?, hmm I would like to take sides and proclaim that I am not the only one, or may be number of people who have thrown away this guilt out number the others, but then I feel really foolish about this guilt at times, which makes me wonder that its only me who seems to have not grown up. As I began to wonder where the guilt all started, was it parents?, society? Or may be people with whom I grew up. I think its partly all of them. When the other natural things like hunger, thirst and other bodily activities are thought carefully, somewhere the taboo-ness associated with sex makes it kind of peek-a-boo emotion, like that universal truth which one should never get it open, people condemning any faint hint around the subject. Its like that torn pages from the life history which makes people more curious and gives them a feeling that it’s a thing to be hidden kind of feeling.
I think its one of the subjects which brings out the worst kind of double standards in me, what makes it worst is that the double standards on this topic are such a big part of our life, that it doesn’t even bother us that we are taking such a stand. Not all of us are innocent you see, In the curious teens most of us have sneaked in porn, or browsed the net for those forbidden pics, or dreamed of entering the high profile strip joints which are banned here in India, so when there is no guilt in doing or wanting to do that stuff, how come a private reading of an interesting book, with a small mention of the act makes one feel guilty.
Shouldn’t I be feeling worse for showing the double standards?, shouldn’t I accept that its just a part of me just like any body else?. I would have loved to fake a guilt, at least you know for yourself that its just for the society. But no, its not just for the society, it’s a genuinely felt guilt, this kind of worried me.
I then thought about the gender angle to the subject, because for ages its been depicted that men are these sexual vultures, where as the women as the most asexual species on this earth, does the number of people with this guilt depend on the gender too?, I mean do women feel more guilt about this?.
How does marriage have an affect on this?. For years marriage has been the legal license for bodily love, so does it mean its supposed to wipe off the guilt?Some thoughts to ponder over
Guys and gals, married people, women out there, any thoughts?
neilina Said:
on July 27, 2008 at 5:14 pm
Hmm….yeah, I do feel there is sense of guilt associated with sex. The first novel that I read having lines about sex was My Feudal Lord, I was in 10th standard. I remember my mom was poking every time, asking me which book are you reading, whts the story? When my father arrived from office, she told him also that today N finished whole book…donno what was there! I really felt guilty as I was knowing my father knows what the book contains. My mind was filled with the thought what he would think, as if I am intersted in this topic, and m too eager to finish the book!
As far as guilt is gender biased, m not sure on this! But I have heard men are more open to talk on this topic rather than women. Seems like women feel more guilty.
I feel marriage wipes out the guilt only between the partners. Somehow I feel, ,marriage makes both of them to talk freely on this topic with others. But I never heard any married couples from my side talking freely about sex with others. I don’t understand why? If sex is so important part of life, what makes them to feel guilty to explore it.
Meanwhile over at pure pursuits. « Virtual Ramblings Said:
on July 28, 2008 at 3:38 pm
[...] I am found guilty, are you? [...]
prats Said:
on July 28, 2008 at 4:52 pm
guilt is from within, and gender does not matter. Marraige always plays a finer solution to this …I remember being young and reading books that had such scenes and always wondering if i’d get caught reading it….but it was a thought within me….my parents had never sid anything…
but yes, upbringing, society and your peers do play a role here
Lea Said:
on July 28, 2008 at 11:58 pm
Our sexuality is a gift and is beautiful throughout the entire spectrum of age. It is a vital part of being human and I think it is an important bridge for the marriage of spirit and matter. I do not believe that sexuality is defined by gender nor only in sexual acts… I find that sexual energy permeates all acts of creativity and brings life to the desert… guilt only distracts us from the enjoyment of this amazing part of being human and connection with our true selves and with others… I think over the ages it is a combination of the fear of being human and in touch with joyous pleasure, the fear of pregnancy (when not wanted), the fear of intimacy, as well as using sex as means of power, rather than a gift shared, that has created such guilt that keeps us from fully experiencing our sexuality…
ssnab Said:
on July 29, 2008 at 8:37 am
gender has nothing to do with it.. infact i think females associate more guilt with sex than males..
i blame the society for the guilt.. with the brainwashing of young minds of maan-maryada and what not of parents and family attached to it!!!
Just Jen Said:
on July 29, 2008 at 1:21 pm
Maybe its because I’m in Canada…
and I’m coming back to check on other’s comments, this is interesting!
I read over the post and all the comments and its neat seeing everyone’s perspective. I don’t know if its because I’m in Canada but I have a completely different perspective. Maybe society plays a bigger part than we realize? The only time I had guilt over sex was (and I remember this one particular incident like it was yesterday) I was laying on the couch with my boyfriend watching the movie Entity. My mom was on the lazy boy and it came to the scene where she was naked and tied up in the bathroom and the ghost was abusing her. I had guilt. I sat up on the couch. I attribute the guilt with watching my first sexual type scene in front of my mom. I’m not sure why, she knew the books I’ve read (most books were from her stash…lol) and she knews the movies I’ve watched but this was with her in the room. She never said anything and neither did I and my boyfriend was none the wiser…lol…I was 16 at the time.
In Canada, sexual talk and sexual things are more European I guess. Not as big as Europe but on its way…lol
No big deal. It’s everywhere. In commercials, tv shows, books, and movies. It’s taught in schools starting at grade 5. We have gay marriages, topless bars, strip joints in every city…it’s everywhere. Nothing is taboo anymore although personally I wish some things were. Canada is the capital for child porn which just disgusts me and there are some predators that have gotten off in court saying it was an ‘art’!!! We are twisted in our laws over here and the police are doing everything they can to cut into the industry but that’s a different topic for another day…
Woman are much more outspoken then men. If you were a fly on the wall in most work places, you would hear how vulgar woman are compared to the men. I think men are quieter about it at the work place because of all the sexual harassment seminars and laws that have come into practice but that doesn’t stop the topic completely. All that did is make the women more vocal…lol
I have noticed over the years that common law couples or married couples talk more freely and openly about sex then couples do. But couples before marriage have other ways like they way they look at each other by raising eye brows or walking around with a hand in each other’s pockets…lol…making out in public is no big deal around here. Usually someone walks by and says ‘get a room you two!’ jokingly and life goes on…lol
Sex is an open topic. We talk about it freely around our house and with friends, it’s never been a no-no topic. We don’t always agree on everything but thats the variety of life…
Every person has a line that shouldn’t be crossed though…lol…like my Hubby has a line with really weird sexual stuff and I don’t like talking about porn because I worked in a woman’s shelter for abused woman and children and I’ve read books about the behind the scenes, so I’m usually quite against it personally due to the abuse that happens but that doesn’t mean if I walk in on someone watching it I’ll flip out and give them guilt over it…lol…I’ll just give my opinion if they ask
I don’t know what the culture is like in India (didn’t know you were from there!) but here, it’s wide open.
That reminds me, a friend of mine’s daughter bought a book called Girls (I think?) and its a book completely devoted to sex and what is and what it means and all the names of all the actions, its an extremely detailed book. The mom was shocked at first at the details because its for ages 9 to 13 and it explains EVERYTHING but after reviewing it herself, she decided to let her daughter read it because our society would teach it the children in other mediums anyway. At least this way the mom is there to answer questions and help guide her daughter.
Personally, I think our society here in Canada is too free because children are having sex as young as 9 and pregnancy rates are almost as high as the States.
We teach abstinence at our house but we home learn so my boys don’t have that peer pressure. But sex talk is definitely more ‘free’ than what it was when I was a kid.
It makes for less guilt but for more actions….I hope I’m explaining this right. I don’t want to say the wrong thing..lol…that’s why this comment is a post in itself…lol
Glad to see you back!! and I hope to see you pounding the keys over here more often, even if it is about sex because sexual actions are a huge part of relationships and I see this blog as a blog about relationships, not sexual actions and personally, I think more people should be as open as you! How else do we learn but to ask
No guilt here
paisley Said:
on July 31, 2008 at 2:31 am
do i even have to say anything?? you know that i feel that the best part of our sexual being is being wasted pursuing purity… and it is the relentless pursuit of purity that leads to this guilt you are asking about… i believe the guilt you are experiencing has right in between little and nothing to do with sex at all…… and everything to do with other people perception of your purity factor…..
Veens Said:
on July 31, 2008 at 3:46 am
I seriously dnt knw.. why?! but it is true.. very much true.. that there is a guilt associated with it!
I have many times discussed abt sex in my peer groups… but thats fine…
i dnt knw… abt marriage also…
but I do think.. it is more often we who think too much… maybe upbringing has to it… i dnt knw!
God this a very difficult topic
rebecca Said:
on August 14, 2008 at 7:52 pm
whenever a taboo is placed on something, it automatically wears the cloth of guilt. i’m from the u.s. so sexuality here is more open than in india. i think a person’s growing sexuality is part and parcel of us growing and learning and it is essential for the spirit and soul. however, i’m not too keen on hearing another’s sexual life talked about freely as part of dinner conversation or any part of casual conversation. this is just a personal thing as i feel there are some things that should remain behind closed doors and remain as a sacred thing between the two people who are living it. everything need not be shared. the beauty of what constitutes a sexual/sensual relationship should remain and be honored between lovers/mates.
Sameera Said:
on August 18, 2008 at 4:34 pm
It’s a natural thing.Taboos laid down by society have nurtured that guilt within us and hence it’s tough to let go.
As for writing,you should write what you feel strongly about.
Sameera Said:
on August 19, 2008 at 2:51 pm
I tried commenting here y’day but it didn’t get published!
Sameera Said:
on August 19, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Yeh finally!
It’s human nature to feel kind of ashamed of reading or watching anything related to sex thanks to the taboos set up by society.Gender or country does not matter,it’s the immediate environment of the person which moulds them this way.
Sameera Said:
on August 19, 2008 at 2:53 pm
Grrr lost the comment yet again!!
meena iyer Said:
on September 14, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Ah I totally agree with it.. I have seen many ppl go totally like crazy abt it..
Few days ago.. I had a friend doing night shift.. I asked him what he is doing n he said he is watching movies.. so I asked him ah.. watching porn hmm?
He got so self conscious that he called me up to explain what a good guy he is.. n how could i ask such a question..
I was like.. dude chill!
I mentioned a guy here coz.. well u know coz gender doesnt matter one feels conscious about it.. coz our parents do….
I can wax n wane abt it.. but you know.. u have put forth this so brilliantly that I dont have to add anything more
meena iyer Said:
on September 14, 2008 at 4:24 pm
btw
I am blog rolling you.. you gave me food for thought