Pure Pursuits

One of my blogger friend asked me why I had not updated this blog for quite some time now, and I replied that may be I am not pursuing anything pure these days. The statement in many a sense is true, I am kind of blank these days when It comes to thinking, also the books I am reading haven’t sparked any debate in my wind worthy of finding its way into this blog. On Sunday, the national daily, Times of India carried an article about communication and gender, I mean how men communicate, and how women do, and what’s lacking when the two communicate with each other. Well they really did not sound the way I just said, the paper put in a lot more glamour and the ‘IT factor, what interested me is a block of pointers they put against each gender.
Here it goes.

Men,

• they interrupt or speak over others to assert themselves and their role
• establish less eye contact
• use fewer facial expressions to convey emotions
• rely on more open body positions [no crossed legs and crossed arms]
• use more gestures body reactions
• men touch others more, value touch less, and are touched less by others
• men use more non verbal cues of power or status to indicate a degree of influence and control
• men are better at map reading.

Women

• they wait their turn to speak so talk can be shared among equals.
• women ask questions to invite others into the conversations and show interest in other’s ideas
• women establish more eye contact
• women use more facial expressions, fewer gestures to convey emotions
• women rely on more closed body positions
• women touch other’s less, value touch more and are touched more by others
• women are more sensitive to expressions, for example they are quicker to not even the twitch of an eyebrow

The rest of the article is about the way men and women should communicate with each other, and how one should pick up cues and subtleties of what the person of opposite sex is saying to us. Hmm frankly speaking, though the tips might be good, it did not interest me much as I was not looking for it. However these pointers of sorts generated a lot of interest. The post to content to follow, is just a theory, and totally biased by my own theories which are formed by observing a close group of people, so I do not know if it applies to people in broader sense.

Starting with the age old cliché that women talk more, so it appears the study revealed that women speak about 20000 words per day, where as men speak about 7000. Well I have seen both men and women who speak a lot and those who don’t speak at all. But one thing I have observed though is that many women are very descriptive in communicating, they give importance to smaller details, for example when my niece tells me a story of a prince, she many a times starts with where and how she heard the story, and sometimes when she is in full mood describes what she was wearing that day, and even the story part, she tells me more about the way the princess walked, and even her face is full of expression. When many of my nephews tell me a story, they are more interested in completing the story and moving on to the next activity. Even as adults, one of the biggest nags around is that women spend a way too much time on phone, even though I hate sexism, I kind of statistically agree on this one, I have seen many of women in our family way too much time on phone compared to men. If you ever try to decipher what they talk so much, you will be surprised, I mean the details communicated, is much more descriptive that a news paper, now is that detailing necessary is a totally different topic, but the levels of interest shown towards communicating and the detailing does differ a lot, men on the other hand seem to just convey rather communicate matters, now again both the parties, the conveyer and the conveyed do not seem to miss the lack of details, and more or less don’t bother the details as well.

The survey seems to say that men interrupt in the middle of a conversation where as women tend to wait their turn. I am not so sure on this one, I have seen many a discussions where women are as eager to put forth their theories even if it means interrupting the current speaker, I remember first tip I received as an in intern in one of the software companies, I was asked not to prompt the team member even if he/she is going wrong in what she is talking, may be its a soft skill which many of us lack, over the years I have struggled to learn to keep quiet when one is talking nonsense, or what’s nonsense according to me, my goal is to talk less, even If I know a thing, talk about it if and only if it is required. Coming back to men not waiting their turn, its really ironical, as
per the other cliche, men never get their turn t speak J. But I kind of agree a little on the about trying to assert, many a people both men and women do interrupt to assert what they have to say.

Establishing less eye contact, well is it?. Actually have never observed this one, I think most of us Indians do not make a lot of eye contact when speaking, or may be I am totally wrong on this one.

Use of facial expressions, I think men do use a lot of facial expressions, its only the men do not have elaborate expressions, for example displeasure might be indicated just by a grunt, or a quick expression, where as women seem to be more elaborate. But unfortunately the last post kicks in here, we men are very poor observers when It comes to facial expressions and body language, most of the times the person is speaking to me only through his/her words. I am really surprised at the small things my mom or my cousin sister pick up when I speak, without much difficulty they can find out if I am hesitant, lying, or happy or sad, I used to boast of wearing an iron mask, not giving out signs, there are few people like my friend S, or my mom, or even some of my cousins, who just read me so easily, my dad or my male cousins on the other hand, firstly do not care much, second do not seem to find out unless I give obvious hints, like not
Eating properly, or humming extraordinarily loud when happy.

Regarding body positions, and women closed body positions, I am not really sure if it is correct, men cross legs when listening attentively, so do women. Many men have the habit of crossing legs as a sign of power, even though its not crossing legs in the traditional sense, its more of one leg perpendicular to the other. Its a little surprising too, according to the old schools of thoughts, women in India did not cross their legs much, I mean as I said its kind of indicative of a class and supremacy, which women were not supposed to show in the olden times. And men on the other hands never crossed their arms, its more indicative of submissiveness, women too on the other hand never crossed their arms, they are supposed to be the open armed people, ready to hug their kin.

Guys you do know how uncomfortable I am with the touch, and I do know that not many men are like me in this regard, may be many men touch other while speaking, but I have seen women too touch a lot while speaking, even though its not with complete strangers, many of my friends and relatives who are women, do not mind patting my back, or holding my arms, or even a casual touch now and then when they speak, but I think the part of valuing a touch is true, women do value the touch more, and also restrict it to people who they are comfortable with. I don’t have a view about this from the men’s point of view mainly because I am still not over the shyness or obsessions or whatever you want to call it, touch still is not comfortable to me.

Communication, never thought there are so many things talking, and so many more things out there to be listened to, does communication really differ according to gender? What do you guys think?